Well, how’s that for a New Year, New Me resolution, huh? It’s been some time… again. But piggybacking off my last post, today’s theme is : fear and anticipation for the future!
After doing some research about my income and work that I would be conducting once I graduate, I have come to the continual realization that I want to work in a more engineering based field. So here I am, once again, trying to get the cogs to turn in my favor. I’ve spent the last week (I’d like to say quarter, but this past week and a half is where 95% of the progress was made) e-mailing professors and asking about what I’d need to accomplish to be worthy of their programs.
Truthfully, I’ve been putting it off since I started school; I knew I had to contact them since week 2, but it’s now the beginning of week 7 and I bit the bullet and sent out a plethora of e-mails.
It’s off my chest, but now I have appointments with said professors, to ask more indepth questions. Questions about what I don’t know, things that I don’t know that I don’t know. And truthfully I am just as nervous about it, if not more so, than trying to kick my butt to send, what is essentially, a formal text message.
But that’s done and out of the way, what prompted me to come back to this was that I am also striving for something else — studying abroad. I was about to work on my cheat sheet for one of my classes when I had this rather jarring thought “don’t get your hopes up, you probably won’t get in.”
I’m applying for a program in Munich, focusing on — guess what?! — engineering! And I was reading the prerequisites and it made me nervous because, as always, I feel massively under-qualified. I don’t know if I can ever shake this feeling, inadequacy. I have back up plans, but by God, do I want this program.
It’s debilitating, because I realize it’s a defense mechanism to protect myself from the future disappointment. It’ll hurt less if I care less, right? But I fall fearfully into the realm of self fulfilling prophecies: will I be my own demise? This stress, this anxiety, this fear, perpetually runs through my mind like a hamster on a wheel. Ever present.
It’s hard to shake. But I’m trying, trying so friggen hard to see past it. To work past it.